Online Dating Part 2
Ready, Set, Swipe
(wait, wtf, really?)
Welcome to the age of looking for your future partner on a website. If you are over 40, and searching for the same, then it’s like being at the grocery store, looking at 500 oranges and trying to decide which one is the best, based on looks.
From my, and other men’s, perspectives, it’s a lot like this. Ladies add a profile photo, or sometimes a few photos, and you are expected to mostly swipe left or right based on whether her face, or whatever is presented online, appeals to you. Certainly, if there is no bio, or further information, then it’s a simple left or right swipe.
Which is the best app? Probably the one that suits you, and offers sufficient choices. While many will be familiar with the likes of Tinder, Bumble and Badoo, there are literally dozens of others, including Zoosk, eHarmony, RSVP, Plenty of Fish and more.
Of course, just to be online, even looking, you need to be familiar with all the special acronyms and words. GSOH, FWB, ONS, Sapiosexual, and dozens more. GSOH is great sense of humour. FWB is friend with benefits, and am fairly sure this does not mean somebody on Government funded social security payments. ONS is one night stand, and it’s this abbreviated term that I truly struggle with.
Most often a woman will write ‘no ONS’. She doesn’t want a one night stand. I could not imagine standing up all night, personally. And if she is very good company, then a man will always ask for a second night or more, providing he doesn’t have to stand, and can have a lie down periodically.
This online dating is quite scary stuff. I see some women writing that they can smell online scammers a mile away, and they don’t want to be sent dick pics, and they want to be treated like a princess. I personally swipe left on these profiles, for fear of not being able to mask any faint body odour, which they will also smell ‘a mile off’. Okay, dick pics aside, what is this princess stuff all about?
A man might be king of his castle, but I get the idea that a princess won’t be doing any chores around said castle, and will be expecting to be waited on for her every need. There are also those wonderfully witted women who write words of wants, as if men can be put together like a piece of bloody ikea furniture.
Tall, dark, handsome, fit, financially stable and independent, well-groomed (scary stuff indeed from the horse and dog loving ladies), with his own house, preferably within 5km of where she lives. Really?
We men love this ‘financially independent’ declaration. But what does it really mean? I always thought that financial independence implied that a person has created sufficient wealth to no longer have to work. Their money works, not them. Financial independence, if requiring a person to work, is actually dependent on their income from employment. It’s a flawed statement, though one can be hopeful that her ladyship might at least pay for her own meal and drinks, or invite you out, and pay. I think it largely depends on who invited whom, and where, and how much each like the other.
Speaking (writing) of drinks, women don’t want alcoholic partners. Some even spell it out on their page, while posting 7 profile photos, 4 in which said woman is holding a drink.
Of the ladies seeking a respectful man who is not interested in a casual fling (of which Tinder has a reputation being a site for hookups), why then do these ladies post photos taken from such a high angle, where it appears they are competing with the Grand Canyon as to the best and deepest chasm? Go figure. Because that is what they are selling. Assets. Not smiles and personality.
Whoa, what about this? Seeking my partner in crime. What kind of activity does she have in mind? Should a man write back, saying he has experience hiding bodies? He has done time? What? Let me tell you that not all ladies write such words. Some write ‘no axe murderers’. I guess other kinds of killing are acceptable. I recall a friend who met a quiet man with seemingly no background. Turns out that as a teen he was so high on illicit drugs that when he got into a fight with his father, picked up the nearest weapon, an axe. Reformed through 20 years in prison, that guy was reclusive and wanted to be able to move on. He definitely does not need a woman seeking a partner in crime (true story).
Fitness is often quoted. Yoga, swimming, sailing, walking, adventures. Finding a person who wants to do the same things as you is like expecting your toast to land honey side up on the carpet. I once met a lady who wanted a fit man ‘to cut her grass’. Biarch showed me her lawnmower and said we can go to lunch when I finished. Wtf?
It would appear that some ladies are somewhat careless online either through information readily supplied or identifying items in their profile photographs. An astute person could probably find enough links to identify them by name and or occupation in less than 15 minutes. This in itself is a worrying factor in the age of online information.
Online dating. How real? Surreal. Very. The use of various photo enhancement apps to polish and refine a woman’s face are bizarre. Imagine having to walk round and round the café looking for a 50+ year old woman who looks 35, has no wrinkles or lines, and has furry ears and whiskers. Easier to just swipe left, thus avoiding the questions about parentage, or which species was involved. Doggy style is now a fashion. Who knew?
Suddenly, there are so many reasons why you should swipe left. If the person is in a group photo, then who is who? Or is it a two for one deal? Various poses with men? Children in the photos? No photos of person who owns the profile? Zero text in the bio? Name the same as your ex? Same star sign as the ex from hell? SWIPE LEFT.
Yet, there are stories of love having been found online. Although, we are unsure that love was really lost, previously. Perhaps it went into hiding, and was having none of that short fast loud bedroom business. Sadly however, there are many men who spend their time, and money, on the online dating apps, with little chance of finding real love.
He can swipe right as often as he likes, yet the dating apps seem skewed to show him unsuitable choices, no matter his preferences. Unless he pays to be a member, and a Gold one at that, he will see the same merry go round. Often, ladies will be on more than 1 site, yet if they learn that a man is also on several sites, they think he is just after sexual hookups.
Of particular interest was a recent experiment conducted by a friend. He created a new profile, using a simple fake name, wrote no bio, and uploaded 2 images. One was a distant photo of himself, the other was of his shadow. In less than 2 hours, the app revealed that he had 6 likes. To get the identities of these amorous ladies, he would have to pay to upgrade his free membership. Welcome to the dirty tactics of one well-known daTing site!
Still, some men manage to get it together in the online arena. In the New Era of online dating and digital accessibility, there may be a raft of proud Mothers, whose sons have matured and are coming into their own in such exciting times.
