Digital Deception

Dating Indonesians in the Digital Era 

While it appears that many men suffer from sex addiction, most women suffer from a dick shun.

Stories abound of lost love, deception and scamming between foreigners and Indonesians. While its mostly western men who are finding that their true romance and wonderful lover is less than they imagined, there are also western women who suffer similar in their quest for wondrous love and romance.

Yet you almost never hear about those women, destroyed by deceptive Indonesian men. Perhaps the reason why is because their betrayal, deep hurt, humiliation and embarrassment is too great for them to publicly acknowledge.

How can anyone avoid being scammed or deceived in the online dating dimension? While there is no definitive solution, there are ways to gain a better perspective on the motives of the person you just made friends with online.

One dating site is Indonesian Cupid, or as my friend calls it Indonesianscammer dot com. Generally there are hundreds of women online, and up to 500 are ‘online now’ at certain times, if you trust the site at all.

Many women post here, yet for them to go online and check their inbox, many must find a free wifi location, or use the office wifi or computer. For these women, spare money for the pursuit of love, is difficult to find. Sometimes, you will see a whats app number or an email address cryptically embedded in the text. Perhaps the reason above is why.

One woman told me that her inbox was jammed with about 600 messages from men all over the world. So let’s put that in perspective. Imagine even just 100 messages. What are the chances she will respond to all? And how might she decide which ones to reply to?

Of course, there are some Indonesian women who really want to escape their daily struggle, and who can blame them? Even the Indonesian men search for a sugar Mama. Why not? Let us not forget the many successful relationships, where religious, cultural and language differences have been overcome.

Tinder is quite commonly used across parts of Indonesia. It can be a successful way to meet both locals and other foreigners who live, stay or travel in Indonesia. Most Indonesian women on Tinder are implicit that they do not want a hook up or ONS, which equates to one night stand. So, do not expect that your tinder date is going to be an instant banger. And who stands anyway?

Okay, so how can you navigate these dating dilemnas? Not all those you meet online are wanting to scam you. Some are truly genuine people. Remember too that a proportion of the messages these online women receive are from men who are trying to scam them. So, it goes both ways for cautious and careful navigation.

In discussions with Indonesian female friends who have tried online dating, there are the usual mentions of foreigners trying to scam them financially, requests for naked selfies, the arrival of unsolicited dick photos, and requests by Indonesian Muslim men to be their 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife.

So, if you get to be chatting and manage a date with an Indonesian lady, accept that she probably has been previously harassed online.

Ladies, if chatting with Indonesian men, understand too that for some men it can be difficult to find a suitable lady to date. Many have been too often rejected by dismissive women, even Indonesian women. I have, in the past, had Indonesian men express that it is their fantasy to have sex with a western woman. Some of these men truly have no interest in marriage.

The following are some suggestions for those new to dating Indonesians, and to online dating. It is up to the individual to decide what to follow, or what works in their situation. It is not a complete list of ideas or solutions.

Dress sensibly, in neat clothing. Meet in a public place for a meal or drink or a walk. Avoid drinking alcohol on the first meeting / date. For some, their religion forbids alcohol consumption.

Be prepared to accept a language barrier, or some communication errors. Relax, take it slowly. Realise that while English may be your first language, it may be the 3rd or 4th language for an Indonesian person. Wrong understandings can make for a hilarious date.

Don’t expect to touch, hold hands, kiss or cuddle on a first meeting, especially in a public place. Also, don’t rush to visit their family and friends. Get to know the person first, before expending time and energy on family matters. However, do understand that if you eventually choose to marry your date in the future, their family often expect you to look after them too.

Some suggest only dating people who have a higher education, such as a university degree, and good employment. Each to their own ideas.

On the subject of marriage, only 5 religions are recognised under the Indonesian Constitution – Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Catholic, Christian. Any couple marrying in Indonesia must be of the same religion. Expect that you will have to convert to the same religion as your partner, before marriage. An alternative is to marry outside of Indonesia, and have the marriage recognised by registering it with the Government later. Especially if you intend to live together in Indonesia.

A note to the new explorer. It is illegal for a foreigner to live and be in a relationship with an Indonesian (opposite sex) unless married. If caught, expect to be jailed and fined. And then probable deportation. Yes, couples do manage to hide away in big cities, apartment blocks, or tourist areas. Just realise the stakes are high.

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